Surprise Ultrasound

I got to see Little L again!


I went to my 3rd OB appointment and the doctor decided that since I was in the in-between stage of being able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, she surprised me with an ultrasound! I wish Daniel could have been there to see. I think God blessed me with this extra ultrasound because of the doubts I had been having. Yes, I saw L 4 weeks prior but I was being a doubting Thomas. Still haunted by the dreaded miscarriage. I am confident that my L is very alive and "kicking" as I have been feeling lots of pregnancy symptoms.

A month (and a half) to remember!

This month hold a lot of traveling and time spent with friends and family. On July 1, my dad visited Daniel and I and made me dinner! It was fun and yummy! On the 5th, I traveled to Atlanta for my sister's birthday! We had a great time! I arrived home on the 7th and had to work the 8th, today. This weekend we are traveling to Hickory, NC to see our dear friends, John and Anna Leviner! We are so excited to be seeing them again before Declan gets here. We'll need to take a preggo wife pic! The following weekend, Daniel and I have school...not fun but it'll take up time. Then on July 25, my mom and sister come up from Atlanta! I'm really excited to see my mom! I haven't seen her since before Christmas! Then, the next Wednesday, Aug. 1, Daniel, mom, and I will be traveling to my sister's house in Atlanta. The 2nd, we head to Florida! Then, on the 4th, I have my first baby shower! It's a little early, yes, but it's the only time I have free to go down! Then Monday, the 6th, we come back home. Then on Saturday, the 11th, we head back to GA for a wedding! Our friends, Matt and Barbara Jean are getting hitched! Whew....one more! Then, the very next week we find out if we're having Lillian or Lucas!

I told you it's going to a month (and a half) to remember. :)

That is all for now. Be blessed.

Hope for Stephanie

Going through a miscarriage sucks.

There is no other way to say it. Throughout this entire experience, I have leaned more on God and have had more faith in knowing He will take care of me. Maybe this is what I was supposed to learn- I don't know. And by the time I get to heaven, I doubt I'll even care. All I know is there is hope for me and hope for all.  

God loves me (and you)

 A truth I will keep close to my heart for the rest of my life. God has never let me down and it is so funny to even have to repeat that He loves us. He has promised to love and protect and provide for us. Why do we not believe Him? I know I don't always "believe" that. I have remind myself of it. I pray this will be something I just know, feel, hear.  

God blessed us with Little L

 

April 25 I found out I am pregnant. Nerve-wracked because of Leaf, I patiently waited to get to the first ultrasound. The day came and by God my baby was still alive in there and had a healthy heartbeat (185 beats per minute)! Thank the Lord for this little baby! Daniel and I pray for him/her everyday and we cannot wait to meet him/her.

 Two Teams

We both want a happy, healthy baby but aside from that there are two distinct teams in our families. Team Boy and Team Girl. I am on team girl and Dan is team boy. It's really neat to see our family get into the guessing game and to get into the excitement of having a baby! We're still keeping our faith because we still need our Lord. He will help us in all our struggles!

 WE ARE SO EXCITED!!!

A very sweet song for Leaf.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)
by Selah
from the album "You Deliver Me"

Lyrics:

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

[Chorus]

a light-hearted distraction...

I have decided to do this question thingy...it looked fun! Thanks Victoria Hershman for the idea!

1.Post these rules.
2.Post 11 random things about yourself.
3.Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4.Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5.Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them.


1. My favorite color is green.
2. I have baby fever...still.
3. I am successfully on my second _______. That means we can start again VERY soon! (if you don't know, ask)
4. Daniel said he would do the 365 photo project with me and I have seriously been thinking about starting it but I don't know how to make pics look cool on the computer- I only know how to do that on my phone.
5. I'm happy with our new apartment.
6. I get protective over people/animals.
7. I miss my momma.
8. I really want another tattoo.
9. I want to live in Florida...again!
10. Sometimes I feel like screaming when I look at facebook.
11. I am proud of my grads in grad school.

Here are Vic's questions:

1.) What is your favorite season and why?
- Spring and Fall equally. I just feels soooooo good outside in certain parts of these seasons. It makes me want to spend my life outside and it energizes me to do more things.
2.) Do you like to cook?
- I do, absolutely! It's a hobby and I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself :)
3.) Who is your celeb crush?
- Hmm, maybe John Krasinski. He is handsome!
4.) What is your dream job?
- Marriage and Family Therapist. Being a Dr. of Psychology with specialization in play therapy. And it'll happen!
5.) Do you prefer American History or British History?
- American History. I have to admit I don't really enjoy history at all!
6.) What is your favorite book?
- That is hard but I'm going to pick the ultimate book- the Bible.
7.) If you could spend the rest of your life in one place, where would it be?
- South Florida, near the beach.
8.) Would you survive a Zombie Apocalypse?
- Absolutely NOT! I have pondered what I'd do if it happens though.
9.) What is one thing you would you tell your twelve year old self knowing what you do now?
- Be cautious of people.
10.) What is one of your pet peeves?
- Having someone make a commitment and then not taking it seriously. I understand if you can't do something because something else came up but don't make that a habit.
11.) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
- An African or European swallow?

My questions for people wanting to play:

1. What is something big you want to accomplish in life?
2. Where do you live?
3. Favorite vacation spot?
4. Favorite animal?
5. Would you rather wear hot clothes in the summer or cool clothes in the winter?
5. What is something you'd like to learn more about?
6. Tell me something random.
7. What is your favorite movie of all time (up to this point in your life)?
8. What are the names of the Golden Girls?
9. What is your favorite color and why?
10.What show is this quote from, "A Nickel!"
11.What is your favorite movie genre?

In other news, I'm feeling better all the time :)

The Meaning Behind Leaf's Name

This song is the inspiration for Leaf's name.
It's by the White Stripes- a band Daniel and I love.

Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground lyrics

Dead leaves and the dirty ground
when I know you're not around
shiny tops and soda pops
when I hear your lips make a sound
when I hear your lips make a sound

Thirty notes in the mailbox
will tell you that I'm coming home
and I think I'm gonna stick around
for a while so you're not alone
for a while so you're not alone

If you can hear a piano fall
you can hear me coming down the hall
if I could just hear your pretty voice
I don't think I need to see at all
don't think I need to see at all

Soft hair and a velvet tongue
I want to give you what you give to me
and every breath that is in your lungs
is a tiny little gift to me
is a tiny little gift to me

I didn't feel so bad till the sun went down
then I come home
no one to wrap my arms around
wrap my arms around

Well any man with a microphone
can tell you what he loves the most
and you know why you love at all
if you're thinking of the holy ghost
if you're thinking of the holy ghost

The Resolution for Women

I still haven't seen the movie "Courageous" yet but I bought the women's study book that goes with it. I plan on watching the movie tomorrow, if I can. So far, I have read the forward and the first lesson. This is the second book that has helped me with my miscarriage. I look forward to getting closer to God and trying to change my study habits for Him.

My Bible Fellowship (BF) teacher has started a new 5 min mini sermon for the men in our class. He is taking those sermons out of the "Courageous" study book for men. I asked Daniel, my husband, what he thought about the lessons. He told me he really wanted to read the book. Later that day, as I searched for the book, I saw it had a female counterpart. I decided that it would be neat if we both read them. It must have been divinely timed because I was feeling particularly blah that day. I had just got done talking to Daniel about how I'm sad all the time and I don't feel like my life is going anywhere. I feel like my life was going the way I wanted it to before this happened. I was finally getting something I have wanted my entire life and then this happened. It was a colossal letdown. My world crumbled. Then I get this book. And this book's first resolution is:

I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent and portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment.

Really? This is the first resolution? I must be content in my current season of life? What if I don't want to be content? What if I want to indulge in self pity and be miserable- a horrible thing happened to me; I deserve to be heartbroken if I so choose.

Then came the verses.
"True godliness with contentment is itself great wealth" (1 Timothy 6:6 NLT)

"If we have food and clothing, with these we shall be content" (1 Timothy 6:8 AMP)

"Make sure your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, 'I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you'" (Hebrews 13:5 NASB)

I'm trying to be content but it is so hard. It's hard to be in a storm and thank God for what you're going through. I know we're supposed to be thankful- in good times as well as bad. I know I'm nowhere near grateful enough for this storm I am going through and I'm glad God is who He is. I need His favor and His grace and His love....and I have it. I just need to accept it. If this is how you're feeling, I urge you to take a step with me and try to accept the love, grace, and acceptance He is trying to give us today.

Love in Christ,
a hurt soul.

*Book info: "The Resolution for Women" By: Priscilla Shirer*

Free to Grieve

My friend Michelle gave me a book that is helping me a lot. It's called "Free to Grieve" by Maureen Rank. I'm going to post a few things in the first chapter that helped me.

Chapter 1: A peculiar kind of hurt.

"Women who lose pregnancies sometimes feel frightened, other times guilty, often confused, but nearly always very alone. What is the pain of this loss? And why so much pain?"

It is unexpected.

It's not talked about.

Miscarriage may be your first experience with death.

You may feel you have failed to fulfill an adult responsibility.

Pregnancy loss may mean the end of your baby chances.

Others don't know how to respond.

Society has no death rites for miscarriage.

You may be coping with death in a weakened physical condition.
"If, as many believe, postpartum depression is a biologically induced reality that causes a vulnerability to depression among women with new babies, think of the consequences of these hormonal shifts for a woman who has just lost her child! Perhaps this is part of the reason women find miscarriage so very difficult to handle, and also in part why husbands do not seem to completely share the depth of their wives' sorrow."

The cause of pregnancy is often medically vague.

To a mother, a child has been lost.
"For some women, the reality of a child's existence hits after they feel the movement. And though the emotional rush we call "love" may not come until delivery, for some women that love is every bit as intense toward the growing little as it will be when the babe snuggles in their arms. This process of bonding between mother and child begins early, earlier for some women than ever realized. So even if a mother's hit as hard as the loss of a much-loved friend."

A pregnancy loss is the death of a part of you.
"What people do not realize is that for the mother, this infant has been part of her since conception. She has come to know it in a way that no one else has. In a sense, she has not only lost a child but also a part of herself. Her breasts ache to nurse and her arms long to hold her lost infant. She literally feels empty, weak, and insecure; a very real and significant part of her has died."

You have a baby, but you have no memories to cling to.
"If you miscarried, or delivered a stillbirth, you lost a child. And that loss took place in such an abrupt and uniquely difficult way that those who have not experienced it will probably not understand. But your suffering makes sense. You have good reason to hurt."

If anyone stumbled across this page and it helped- please let me know. I know these words helped me. 'A peculiar kind of hurt' are the most amazing words I have heard, thus far, to describe what I have been feeling.

Leaf Willow Harrison

November 6, 2011 was an amazing day. It was the day I found out I was pregnant. Daniel and I wanted nothing more than to share it with everyone and anyone! I needed to find an ob/gyn to confirm pregnancy and I'd obviously need one in the coming exciting months. The week and a half before my appointment was excruciatingly long. I was so nervous about being pregnant I ended up taking 3 tests that week just to see the 2 lines on the tests! The day finally came and my 3 tests were correct- I was pregnant!! I've always wanted to be a momma so my dreams were coming true. Daniel and I were excited again when finding out that we got pregnant just 2 weeks within trying to conceive!! Amazing!! My first ultrasound was scheduled on December 13, 2011. By this date we had told most of our family. We were going to tell my mom's side of the family at our family Christmas and then we were going to tell the rest of the world!! It was exciting times indeed! December 13th came and Daniel and I went for my first ultrasound. I was going to finally see my baby!! I had been tracking how my little one had been growing inside me since I found out! I got set up and I saw the screen. I could see the baby but I wondered where the heartbeat was. I thought maybe the tech had to zoom in before I could see it. I saw her measure my uterus and ovaries and then she said she needed to get the doctor for a second opinion. right away I started panicking because that didn't seem like a good thing but this was Gods baby and it was His timing and I was trying to convince myself nothing was wrong. The doctor came in and looked around the ultrasound. That's when she told my baby should be measuring 9 weeks 5 days but he or she was only measuring 8 weeks 2 days. She told me I had had a miscarriage. My world crumbled right there in front of my husband, my doctor, and the ultrasound tech. I sobbed. I was told I had three options of getting the pregnant material out of my body. 1. See if it happens naturally. 2. Take some meds and see if that works. 3. Have a D&C. I was finally able to leave and as I was walking through the waiting room I saw a pregnant mother with a baby. I lost it on the way out the door. I sat in my car and wept for maybe half an hour or a little less. I cried and screamed and griped and moaned. I cried the whole way home- yelling at God. He was supposed to protect my baby!! This was supposed to be my time to love and hold and care for a baby! By the time I got home, I was mad. I hit the anger stage of death pretty fast and did some real damage to an old faithful purse and my house. Let's just say, if you came to my house you'd see black marks on the house by the door. When I managed to get the door opened, I flung my purse into the house got into my bed and wept. I'm sad. I called my mom and sister to tell them and then I wept again. Daniel cradled me only the way a husband can and made me feel a little better. Michelle came over, knowing before she was told what happened. I slept a while after this. Divinely, my sister and cousin were coming to my house that day so all I had to do was wait. Once they got there I cried some more but they were a nice distraction from the intense pain I was feeling. The original plan had me staying in south Carolina until that Saturday before taking a plane ride to Florida for family Christmas but my husband, mom, and sister decided they didn't want me alone so I went to Florida on Thursday instead. Being with my family and in Florida was such a great distraction from this nightmare. I had my moments of weakness but overall I think I held up. No one knows what to say in this type of situation and it's hard for me to make everyone around me uncomfortable so I tried to be strong. All I've heard is that this is Gods will and everything happens for a reason. I know this to be true but it is hard to hear the same thing for most of the month. If this had to happen it happened at exactly the right moment. I didn't have school and my vacation was set. On the way home, I made phone calls to my insurance company, my doctor, and others. I ran into problems and decided to take the easy way out and just get a d&c. I found out this couldn't happen until 2012 and I wanted it done by the end of 2011. I decided to the these pills that are supposed to help shed the pregnant material. I took these pills Christmas weekend and, of course, they didn't work. This was very discouraging. I needed to have this d&c quickly because I had now had a dead fetus in my uterus for the better part of a month and that's not healthy. Once again, God came through for me and the nurses called me to see how I was. I told them again how important it was for me to get this procedure before the new year and she told me I could get it the Friday before the new year. I went for the procedure and they had a hard time getting an IV in me. Once they got it in, they told me I had to come back the next day because I ate before I went to the hospital. So I went to the hospital on the last day of 2011 and had my procedure. It was scary but I pulled through alright- gratefully not remembering. I went to Atlanta to spend the night to see my sister and try to celebrate the new year. January 1 was a rough day because I forgot to take ibuprofen before taking some required pills for after the procedure. I had to take some major pain pills to get through it. My sister came to SC with me and spent the night to be with me and we had a sister day. This whole thing has been awful and I'm sad a lot. I know it'll get better and I look forward to that day but I will never forget my baby and I will always wish she or he were here with me. I'm taking comfort in the fact that my baby is hanging out with Jesus and is waiting for me to come to heaven and hug them. People keep telling me I'll have other babies and that may be and will be wonderful but I will always remember this time and what Daniel and I have gone through in this. I'm trying to keep my attitude up and I'm trying to hold it together but I feel like a failure. There are no magical words anyone can say to make me not feel sad but I want everyone to know I sincerely appreciate the sentiment. I appreciate what everyone has done for me and I haven't forgotten and will never forget the kindness and love people have shown me and the prayers people have prayed for me and my family. I really felt the love I was being shown.

The name Leaf Willow is special. Daniel was listening to the White Stripes song "Dead Leaves on the Dirty Ground" and said he wanted to named our babe Leaf. This could be a male or female name. I decided I wanted him/her to have a unisex middle name as well so I chose Willow. Leaf Willow is so loved by his/her parents and we'll never forget him/her. I have decided to get a tattoo in his/her honor. This is it:

There will be a small tear coming off the tip of the leaf with a cross inside and I think I'm going to have his/her name written on the line in the leaf in small lettering in the font on the picture.

Thank you for reading my story. In the next several posts, I'll be referring to 2 books that are currently helping me with my struggles through this and commenting on how I'm attempting to deal with this. Most people don't want to talk about it- it's a taboo subject. I think that writing about it will help me inspire my own life and hopefully it will help others if they ever have to go through this. If it were up to me, this would never happen to another lady ever again! This pain is real and it makes me mad that it is just pushed aside.