Surprise Ultrasound

I got to see Little L again!


I went to my 3rd OB appointment and the doctor decided that since I was in the in-between stage of being able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, she surprised me with an ultrasound! I wish Daniel could have been there to see. I think God blessed me with this extra ultrasound because of the doubts I had been having. Yes, I saw L 4 weeks prior but I was being a doubting Thomas. Still haunted by the dreaded miscarriage. I am confident that my L is very alive and "kicking" as I have been feeling lots of pregnancy symptoms.

A month (and a half) to remember!

This month hold a lot of traveling and time spent with friends and family. On July 1, my dad visited Daniel and I and made me dinner! It was fun and yummy! On the 5th, I traveled to Atlanta for my sister's birthday! We had a great time! I arrived home on the 7th and had to work the 8th, today. This weekend we are traveling to Hickory, NC to see our dear friends, John and Anna Leviner! We are so excited to be seeing them again before Declan gets here. We'll need to take a preggo wife pic! The following weekend, Daniel and I have school...not fun but it'll take up time. Then on July 25, my mom and sister come up from Atlanta! I'm really excited to see my mom! I haven't seen her since before Christmas! Then, the next Wednesday, Aug. 1, Daniel, mom, and I will be traveling to my sister's house in Atlanta. The 2nd, we head to Florida! Then, on the 4th, I have my first baby shower! It's a little early, yes, but it's the only time I have free to go down! Then Monday, the 6th, we come back home. Then on Saturday, the 11th, we head back to GA for a wedding! Our friends, Matt and Barbara Jean are getting hitched! Whew....one more! Then, the very next week we find out if we're having Lillian or Lucas!

I told you it's going to a month (and a half) to remember. :)

That is all for now. Be blessed.

Hope for Stephanie

Going through a miscarriage sucks.

There is no other way to say it. Throughout this entire experience, I have leaned more on God and have had more faith in knowing He will take care of me. Maybe this is what I was supposed to learn- I don't know. And by the time I get to heaven, I doubt I'll even care. All I know is there is hope for me and hope for all.  

God loves me (and you)

 A truth I will keep close to my heart for the rest of my life. God has never let me down and it is so funny to even have to repeat that He loves us. He has promised to love and protect and provide for us. Why do we not believe Him? I know I don't always "believe" that. I have remind myself of it. I pray this will be something I just know, feel, hear.  

God blessed us with Little L

 

April 25 I found out I am pregnant. Nerve-wracked because of Leaf, I patiently waited to get to the first ultrasound. The day came and by God my baby was still alive in there and had a healthy heartbeat (185 beats per minute)! Thank the Lord for this little baby! Daniel and I pray for him/her everyday and we cannot wait to meet him/her.

 Two Teams

We both want a happy, healthy baby but aside from that there are two distinct teams in our families. Team Boy and Team Girl. I am on team girl and Dan is team boy. It's really neat to see our family get into the guessing game and to get into the excitement of having a baby! We're still keeping our faith because we still need our Lord. He will help us in all our struggles!

 WE ARE SO EXCITED!!!

A very sweet song for Leaf.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)
by Selah
from the album "You Deliver Me"

Lyrics:

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

[Chorus]

a light-hearted distraction...

I have decided to do this question thingy...it looked fun! Thanks Victoria Hershman for the idea!

1.Post these rules.
2.Post 11 random things about yourself.
3.Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4.Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5.Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them.


1. My favorite color is green.
2. I have baby fever...still.
3. I am successfully on my second _______. That means we can start again VERY soon! (if you don't know, ask)
4. Daniel said he would do the 365 photo project with me and I have seriously been thinking about starting it but I don't know how to make pics look cool on the computer- I only know how to do that on my phone.
5. I'm happy with our new apartment.
6. I get protective over people/animals.
7. I miss my momma.
8. I really want another tattoo.
9. I want to live in Florida...again!
10. Sometimes I feel like screaming when I look at facebook.
11. I am proud of my grads in grad school.

Here are Vic's questions:

1.) What is your favorite season and why?
- Spring and Fall equally. I just feels soooooo good outside in certain parts of these seasons. It makes me want to spend my life outside and it energizes me to do more things.
2.) Do you like to cook?
- I do, absolutely! It's a hobby and I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself :)
3.) Who is your celeb crush?
- Hmm, maybe John Krasinski. He is handsome!
4.) What is your dream job?
- Marriage and Family Therapist. Being a Dr. of Psychology with specialization in play therapy. And it'll happen!
5.) Do you prefer American History or British History?
- American History. I have to admit I don't really enjoy history at all!
6.) What is your favorite book?
- That is hard but I'm going to pick the ultimate book- the Bible.
7.) If you could spend the rest of your life in one place, where would it be?
- South Florida, near the beach.
8.) Would you survive a Zombie Apocalypse?
- Absolutely NOT! I have pondered what I'd do if it happens though.
9.) What is one thing you would you tell your twelve year old self knowing what you do now?
- Be cautious of people.
10.) What is one of your pet peeves?
- Having someone make a commitment and then not taking it seriously. I understand if you can't do something because something else came up but don't make that a habit.
11.) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
- An African or European swallow?

My questions for people wanting to play:

1. What is something big you want to accomplish in life?
2. Where do you live?
3. Favorite vacation spot?
4. Favorite animal?
5. Would you rather wear hot clothes in the summer or cool clothes in the winter?
5. What is something you'd like to learn more about?
6. Tell me something random.
7. What is your favorite movie of all time (up to this point in your life)?
8. What are the names of the Golden Girls?
9. What is your favorite color and why?
10.What show is this quote from, "A Nickel!"
11.What is your favorite movie genre?

In other news, I'm feeling better all the time :)

The Meaning Behind Leaf's Name

This song is the inspiration for Leaf's name.
It's by the White Stripes- a band Daniel and I love.

Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground lyrics

Dead leaves and the dirty ground
when I know you're not around
shiny tops and soda pops
when I hear your lips make a sound
when I hear your lips make a sound

Thirty notes in the mailbox
will tell you that I'm coming home
and I think I'm gonna stick around
for a while so you're not alone
for a while so you're not alone

If you can hear a piano fall
you can hear me coming down the hall
if I could just hear your pretty voice
I don't think I need to see at all
don't think I need to see at all

Soft hair and a velvet tongue
I want to give you what you give to me
and every breath that is in your lungs
is a tiny little gift to me
is a tiny little gift to me

I didn't feel so bad till the sun went down
then I come home
no one to wrap my arms around
wrap my arms around

Well any man with a microphone
can tell you what he loves the most
and you know why you love at all
if you're thinking of the holy ghost
if you're thinking of the holy ghost

The Resolution for Women

I still haven't seen the movie "Courageous" yet but I bought the women's study book that goes with it. I plan on watching the movie tomorrow, if I can. So far, I have read the forward and the first lesson. This is the second book that has helped me with my miscarriage. I look forward to getting closer to God and trying to change my study habits for Him.

My Bible Fellowship (BF) teacher has started a new 5 min mini sermon for the men in our class. He is taking those sermons out of the "Courageous" study book for men. I asked Daniel, my husband, what he thought about the lessons. He told me he really wanted to read the book. Later that day, as I searched for the book, I saw it had a female counterpart. I decided that it would be neat if we both read them. It must have been divinely timed because I was feeling particularly blah that day. I had just got done talking to Daniel about how I'm sad all the time and I don't feel like my life is going anywhere. I feel like my life was going the way I wanted it to before this happened. I was finally getting something I have wanted my entire life and then this happened. It was a colossal letdown. My world crumbled. Then I get this book. And this book's first resolution is:

I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent and portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment.

Really? This is the first resolution? I must be content in my current season of life? What if I don't want to be content? What if I want to indulge in self pity and be miserable- a horrible thing happened to me; I deserve to be heartbroken if I so choose.

Then came the verses.
"True godliness with contentment is itself great wealth" (1 Timothy 6:6 NLT)

"If we have food and clothing, with these we shall be content" (1 Timothy 6:8 AMP)

"Make sure your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, 'I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you'" (Hebrews 13:5 NASB)

I'm trying to be content but it is so hard. It's hard to be in a storm and thank God for what you're going through. I know we're supposed to be thankful- in good times as well as bad. I know I'm nowhere near grateful enough for this storm I am going through and I'm glad God is who He is. I need His favor and His grace and His love....and I have it. I just need to accept it. If this is how you're feeling, I urge you to take a step with me and try to accept the love, grace, and acceptance He is trying to give us today.

Love in Christ,
a hurt soul.

*Book info: "The Resolution for Women" By: Priscilla Shirer*

Free to Grieve

My friend Michelle gave me a book that is helping me a lot. It's called "Free to Grieve" by Maureen Rank. I'm going to post a few things in the first chapter that helped me.

Chapter 1: A peculiar kind of hurt.

"Women who lose pregnancies sometimes feel frightened, other times guilty, often confused, but nearly always very alone. What is the pain of this loss? And why so much pain?"

It is unexpected.

It's not talked about.

Miscarriage may be your first experience with death.

You may feel you have failed to fulfill an adult responsibility.

Pregnancy loss may mean the end of your baby chances.

Others don't know how to respond.

Society has no death rites for miscarriage.

You may be coping with death in a weakened physical condition.
"If, as many believe, postpartum depression is a biologically induced reality that causes a vulnerability to depression among women with new babies, think of the consequences of these hormonal shifts for a woman who has just lost her child! Perhaps this is part of the reason women find miscarriage so very difficult to handle, and also in part why husbands do not seem to completely share the depth of their wives' sorrow."

The cause of pregnancy is often medically vague.

To a mother, a child has been lost.
"For some women, the reality of a child's existence hits after they feel the movement. And though the emotional rush we call "love" may not come until delivery, for some women that love is every bit as intense toward the growing little as it will be when the babe snuggles in their arms. This process of bonding between mother and child begins early, earlier for some women than ever realized. So even if a mother's hit as hard as the loss of a much-loved friend."

A pregnancy loss is the death of a part of you.
"What people do not realize is that for the mother, this infant has been part of her since conception. She has come to know it in a way that no one else has. In a sense, she has not only lost a child but also a part of herself. Her breasts ache to nurse and her arms long to hold her lost infant. She literally feels empty, weak, and insecure; a very real and significant part of her has died."

You have a baby, but you have no memories to cling to.
"If you miscarried, or delivered a stillbirth, you lost a child. And that loss took place in such an abrupt and uniquely difficult way that those who have not experienced it will probably not understand. But your suffering makes sense. You have good reason to hurt."

If anyone stumbled across this page and it helped- please let me know. I know these words helped me. 'A peculiar kind of hurt' are the most amazing words I have heard, thus far, to describe what I have been feeling.