November 6, 2011 was an amazing day. It was the day I found out I was pregnant. Daniel and I wanted nothing more than to share it with everyone and anyone! I needed to find an ob/gyn to confirm pregnancy and I'd obviously need one in the coming exciting months. The week and a half before my appointment was excruciatingly long. I was so nervous about being pregnant I ended up taking 3 tests that week just to see the 2 lines on the tests! The day finally came and my 3 tests were correct- I was pregnant!! I've always wanted to be a momma so my dreams were coming true. Daniel and I were excited again when finding out that we got pregnant just 2 weeks within trying to conceive!! Amazing!! My first ultrasound was scheduled on December 13, 2011. By this date we had told most of our family. We were going to tell my mom's side of the family at our family Christmas and then we were going to tell the rest of the world!! It was exciting times indeed! December 13th came and Daniel and I went for my first ultrasound. I was going to finally see my baby!! I had been tracking how my little one had been growing inside me since I found out! I got set up and I saw the screen. I could see the baby but I wondered where the heartbeat was. I thought maybe the tech had to zoom in before I could see it. I saw her measure my uterus and ovaries and then she said she needed to get the doctor for a second opinion. right away I started panicking because that didn't seem like a good thing but this was Gods baby and it was His timing and I was trying to convince myself nothing was wrong. The doctor came in and looked around the ultrasound. That's when she told my baby should be measuring 9 weeks 5 days but he or she was only measuring 8 weeks 2 days. She told me I had had a miscarriage. My world crumbled right there in front of my husband, my doctor, and the ultrasound tech. I sobbed. I was told I had three options of getting the pregnant material out of my body. 1. See if it happens naturally. 2. Take some meds and see if that works. 3. Have a D&C. I was finally able to leave and as I was walking through the waiting room I saw a pregnant mother with a baby. I lost it on the way out the door. I sat in my car and wept for maybe half an hour or a little less. I cried and screamed and griped and moaned. I cried the whole way home- yelling at God. He was supposed to protect my baby!! This was supposed to be my time to love and hold and care for a baby! By the time I got home, I was mad. I hit the anger stage of death pretty fast and did some real damage to an old faithful purse and my house. Let's just say, if you came to my house you'd see black marks on the house by the door. When I managed to get the door opened, I flung my purse into the house got into my bed and wept. I'm sad. I called my mom and sister to tell them and then I wept again. Daniel cradled me only the way a husband can and made me feel a little better. Michelle came over, knowing before she was told what happened. I slept a while after this. Divinely, my sister and cousin were coming to my house that day so all I had to do was wait. Once they got there I cried some more but they were a nice distraction from the intense pain I was feeling. The original plan had me staying in south Carolina until that Saturday before taking a plane ride to Florida for family Christmas but my husband, mom, and sister decided they didn't want me alone so I went to Florida on Thursday instead. Being with my family and in Florida was such a great distraction from this nightmare. I had my moments of weakness but overall I think I held up. No one knows what to say in this type of situation and it's hard for me to make everyone around me uncomfortable so I tried to be strong. All I've heard is that this is Gods will and everything happens for a reason. I know this to be true but it is hard to hear the same thing for most of the month. If this had to happen it happened at exactly the right moment. I didn't have school and my vacation was set. On the way home, I made phone calls to my insurance company, my doctor, and others. I ran into problems and decided to take the easy way out and just get a d&c. I found out this couldn't happen until 2012 and I wanted it done by the end of 2011. I decided to the these pills that are supposed to help shed the pregnant material. I took these pills Christmas weekend and, of course, they didn't work. This was very discouraging. I needed to have this d&c quickly because I had now had a dead fetus in my uterus for the better part of a month and that's not healthy. Once again, God came through for me and the nurses called me to see how I was. I told them again how important it was for me to get this procedure before the new year and she told me I could get it the Friday before the new year. I went for the procedure and they had a hard time getting an IV in me. Once they got it in, they told me I had to come back the next day because I ate before I went to the hospital. So I went to the hospital on the last day of 2011 and had my procedure. It was scary but I pulled through alright- gratefully not remembering. I went to Atlanta to spend the night to see my sister and try to celebrate the new year. January 1 was a rough day because I forgot to take ibuprofen before taking some required pills for after the procedure. I had to take some major pain pills to get through it. My sister came to SC with me and spent the night to be with me and we had a sister day. This whole thing has been awful and I'm sad a lot. I know it'll get better and I look forward to that day but I will never forget my baby and I will always wish she or he were here with me. I'm taking comfort in the fact that my baby is hanging out with Jesus and is waiting for me to come to heaven and hug them. People keep telling me I'll have other babies and that may be and will be wonderful but I will always remember this time and what Daniel and I have gone through in this. I'm trying to keep my attitude up and I'm trying to hold it together but I feel like a failure. There are no magical words anyone can say to make me not feel sad but I want everyone to know I sincerely appreciate the sentiment. I appreciate what everyone has done for me and I haven't forgotten and will never forget the kindness and love people have shown me and the prayers people have prayed for me and my family. I really felt the love I was being shown.
The name Leaf Willow is special. Daniel was listening to the White Stripes song "Dead Leaves on the Dirty Ground" and said he wanted to named our babe Leaf. This could be a male or female name. I decided I wanted him/her to have a unisex middle name as well so I chose Willow. Leaf Willow is so loved by his/her parents and we'll never forget him/her. I have decided to get a tattoo in his/her honor. This is it:
There will be a small tear coming off the tip of the leaf with a cross inside and I think I'm going to have his/her name written on the line in the leaf in small lettering in the font on the picture.
Thank you for reading my story. In the next several posts, I'll be referring to 2 books that are currently helping me with my struggles through this and commenting on how I'm attempting to deal with this. Most people don't want to talk about it- it's a taboo subject. I think that writing about it will help me inspire my own life and hopefully it will help others if they ever have to go through this. If it were up to me, this would never happen to another lady ever again! This pain is real and it makes me mad that it is just pushed aside.